Learning to Say "It's Not Okay... But I Will Be”

It's not okay... but I will be.

That’s a phrase I’ve found myself using quite a bit lately. 

I’ve always been one of those people who was never okay with not being okay, and let me tell you… I have NOT been okay. I haven’t been okay for a long time. I don’t know why I’ve always been afraid to show people the “human side” of me. Maybe it’s fear of vulnerability, maybe it’s a pride thing, maybe it’s because I’ve spent a lifetime masking my hurt with a smile. There’s a lot that goes into the reasons that I act the way I do, and it’s not something that I even fully understand myself. 

From the outside looking in, I wouldn’t say that anyone would call me the happiest person in the world, but they would never know the amount of heart wrenching, sleepless, tear-filled nights I’ve been hiding. They wouldn’t know how many lunch breaks I’ve spent crying in my car. They wouldn’t know that I’ve lost faith in myself and the world around me. They wouldn’t know that I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time I was truly happy. But more importantly, apart from a few close friends and family, it’d be pretty hard to tell that I’ve spent a year and half being depressed and feeling a loneliness that I can’t begin to describe.

Coming from a blogger and instagrammer, it probably sounds crazy to say that I’m a fairly private person. I internalize my hurt. I used to think that I could just “fake it until I make it” through this season of life. I told myself maybe if I smile a little more and talk about my problems a little less and act “okay”, that maybe one day I’d just magically feel better.

No. It doesn't work like that and it’s probably one of the worst things you can do to yourself. They say that honesty is key in any relationship, and I always equated that to friendships and romantic relationships. But what about one of the most important relationships you have – the one you have with yourself/.

If you’re like me, and pretending you’re okay on a regular basis, you kind of get to this point in life where you think feeling like this is normal and maybe, this is your kind of okay. 

The last year and a half has been genuinely miserable for me: I’ve lost some friendships, and along with it the ability to trust anyone. I’ve had many people walk out of my life, and I’ve felt nothing but sadness or numbness, I’ve been busier and more stressed than I ever have in my life. I’ve been battling my mind and heart on a daily basis. Lately, when something bad happened or when I got treated poorly, I had even started saying “It’s okay, this is just how my life is… I’m used to it.” It's like I accepted this was the way my life would go.

Reality check! No one should be used to this. It’s okay to not be okay 100% of the time, but it’s NOT okay to be a person who is okay with people treating them poorly, being hurt or disrespected. It’s not okay. 

Although it’s been miserable, I have learned so much about myself through this season of life. That’s where the “It’s not okay, but I will be” phrase evolved from.

I learned that honesty with the people closest to you is important to your wellbeing. How can someone know that you need help if you can’t even be honest about your problems with them? You have to give people a chance to be there for you, and even correct the mistakes they've made that hurt you. 

Before I realized how important it was to talk to people about the tough stuff, I was doing it all on my own. I realized I was stronger than I ever imagined. This is not to say I have this all figured out… I just didn’t realize I had it in me to be strong all along, even when everything around me was falling apart. I realized that even when everything was not okay, I still was. It made all the difference in the world.

You see I understood that life will not always be fair. Things will go wrong, people will hurt you for their own personal gain, friends will use you, and your plans don't go as planned, and rejection and failure will hurt for a long time. But what I also understood is that although I cannot control what happens to me or how people treat me, I can control my mindset in regards to heartbreak, sadness, rejection and setbacks.

So no, life hasn’t been my best friend lately, and yes I’ve been miserable with a lot of things – it’s not okay, but I certainly will be. And you will too.